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Perspective（32） "Asking the same question over and over … Who is the one that doesn't understand?" |
| This consultation is from one elementary student’s mother… “My child asks
me, “School, tomorrow? School, tomorrow?” again and again before going
to bed, so I answer, “Yes, you’re going to school tomorrow.”, but soon
after, he desperately asks the same question again. I can’t help getting
upset and saying, “Stop pestering me. Why are you saying the same thing!”
I wonder if not only parents or guardians but support staff might have
similar experiences. What is the problem behind the question? First, let’s think about the reason why the child keeps asking the same question. If we assert that the reason why this child can’t understand is because he has intellectual disabilities, we need to reconsider. I believe that a child keeps reiterating their feelings to their parent, guardian or support staff until they come to understand, because they are desperately trying to appeal emotionally to them. An adult who can express their feelings well with words can, instead of asking the same question, rephrase by saying, “No, that’s not what I mean…”when the other person’s answer indicates that they do not understand. When we view it in this light, we can see that there is a gap in communication between the mother and the child in the previous consultation. The child didn’t just want to ask if tomorrow was a school day or not. There is a possibility that he might have been trying to appeal his associated feelings; his anxieties and worries such as “I was hurt by my friend who said bad things.”, “I was scared at being scolded by my teacher.”, and “I feel down because I have my least favorite class.” If this is the child’s intention, he can’t just be satisfied with the answer, “Yes, you’re going to school tomorrow.” I wonder if that’s the why he keeps asking the same question. If the child can’t express his feelings well, it is necessary for the adult to ask additional questions such as “What’s wrong?”, or “Are you worried about something?” in order to know his real feelings. If the question matches his anxieties, he should think, “Yes, that’s right!” in his mind and nod, even if he can’t say yes or no. And it should be indicated by some behavior such as showing less desperation, being less stressful and making more eye contact. If the child can use words, they might give a reason, “No, 〇〇.” In the previous story, we found out through communicating with the elementary school student and teachers that instructing fixing an unbalanced diet was a burden to him. It is up to our ability to ask a child questions and read the thoughts behind their behavior. It is also important to regularly build and maintain trusting relationships. In both children and adults, it is sometimes difficult to understand what they really want to tell us because they keep asking the same questions, “Am I going 〇〇?” or “If I do 〇〇, can’t I do △△?” In this situation, their desperate feelings can’t be conveyed to the people around them, because the verbal interaction follows a set pattern: “Are we going?” ⇔ “We’re not going.” or “Can’t we do it?” ⇔ “We can do it.” We must try to communicate by focusing on the individual’s real feelings instead of thinking “Oh, the usual habit (question) has started.” We might be the ones who can’t understand the individual’s viewpoint well. |
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